A word on underwear....

Jeannie Robertson the humorist said of her and her spouse, "We are not Victoria's Secret people. There is not a thong in our house. We are Sears people." I must say I identify with her. Being a plus sized woman comes with its own set of trials and travails. One of these is that so-called "pretty" underthings wind up looking like colorful rubber bands stretched around freshly kneaded bread dough. I have never kidded myself that I should wear those things. There are plenty of other pretty things I can put on that will not disappear up my backside. Victoria's Secret does not sell any of them.
I'm not knocking Victoria's Secret or any other women's under-roo chain. They have very pretty, very high-quality items. For women of my size and build, Cacique is a much better place to find fitting and flattering undergarments. I will do a series about online resources later when I have a little more filthy lucre at my disposal.
All this to say I am willing to pay a lot for things I wear that will never be seen by anyone but me, and possibly one of my roomies if they are very unlucky. But I tend to lean more toward the practical side of things.
Last July I was working a late shift in an Alzheimer's ward with a pretty great breakroom. There was a late-night infomercial on about an item from a brand called Kymaro, the Body Shaper. You can find them at www.ubuyez.com, and they are my best friend. The Body Shaper (or, as I call them around the house, my Hold-'Em-Ins) smooth out lumps and add a nice curve to the shape of the torso, for us boxier forms. I didn't really go down any dress sizes, but I looked much, MUCH better in my clothes, and was able to wear some clingier cuts without constantly feeling like the Michelin Man.
Initially I ordered one top and got two tops and two bottoms for around eighty dollars. When compared to Spanx (a great product for girls with some junk in the trunk, but for girls with larger tums they just make us look pregnant) at $50 for one set that last about as long as a really great pair of pantyhose (0.00006 seconds after contact with a jagged toenail, a twig, or several days of leg stubble), this is a great deal. My tops are in beautiful shape eight months of constant wear later. The bottoms are a little worse for wear, as I wasn't exactly gentle with them, but are still really great when used in tandem with the tops.
The tops themselves look like a tank top that is cut to ride below your bra. The fabric is 90% polyester and 10% spandex. Sounds hot, right? It's not. It actually breathes, and you can move in them. Granted, I'm used to corseting with Renaissance costuming, holding on to trees while devoted friends put their knees in my back and yank on laces until their fingers bleed. But really I forget I'm wearing them most of the time, and I wear them beneath everything but pajamas. They are also comfortable to wear in Texas heat.
The value is also amazing. I just ordered my second set, intending to get two tops and two bottoms like last time. I wound up getting four tops and two bottoms for just under one hundred dollars. Also, a nice new feature is that they now sell Camis with clear straps so that you can wear the Body Shaper with low backs or tank tops. Good stuff.
A word of warning, however. When you receive your new Body Shapers, do not be surprised if they seem to be a size too small with no intention of being otherwise. I forgot about that with this last order I made. My saga into my first top was an Odessey of pain, sweat, and anguish. But, as I said, I am no stranger to corestting, so with the use of a great deal of determination, I managed to squeeze into the top. My shoulders killed me for the rest of the day, but I was okay with that, so long as my hold-em-ins were holding 'em in.
Getting the shaper off introduced me to a new world of pain and suffering. I was honestly afraid for a moment that I would have to cut the darn thing off. The materiel was suddenly dry and chafing and pulled at my skin like mad. Even on my upper ribcage, the smallest part of my torso, the wadded up materiel nipped me cruelly. I looked like a tube of cookie dough being pushed through an hour glass. Actually getting the thing off involved nearly dislocating a shoulder and sustaining a bruise to my left deltoid. No kidding.
Still slightly tearful, I ran into roomie Lisa's bedroom to whine. She was busy cleaning at that point and offered kind words before returning to her work. Unsatisfied, I ran back into my room, grabbed the new shaper and one of my old ones, and brought them in to her. Absently, she pulled the stretchy fabric of the old one as I instructed her to, then I thrust the new shaper into her hands. Her eyes slowly began to bug out as she pulled on the top and realized how little "give" it actually had. Then she held it up and looked at me.
"How did you get IN this thing?"
I pointed at the bruise on my shoulder. We compared sizes. Both XL. We compared fabric composition. Both 90% polyester with 10% spandex. No, it wasn't an irregular top, although the Cami's had a lot more give to them and came on and off easily. My last resort was to wash the shaper before calling the dubiously-manned customer help line.
It worked. I don't know what kind of industrial-grade starch they use on those things before packaging, but it's the devil.
Now, I come to the most important information I shall impart to you in this entry. You may want to get a drink and go to the bathroom.
Done?
Okay, there is one more step you must take after your Body Shaper has been washed and dried. You must pull the top up to your knees (it goes on like a one-piece bathing suit). Then, when you get to your knees, there is a peculiar funky-chicken move whereby you stretch the material to prep it for easy placement. After a few rounds of pushing your knees outward forcefully and looking completely ridiculous, you should be ready to follow the directions and pull the silly thing in to place.
You will love it. And if the makers of the Kymaro products are reading this blog, I wouldn't say no to a little advertiser's pay.